Wednesday, April 20, 2022

Prayer reflection- adversity of spirit

Prayer, was never a strength in my life.
Mostly because of the intense negativity seething from the Sunday school teachers, pastor, kids parents, and other churchgoers.  Though I was raised in a Lutheran Evangelical spirit world, and taken there every Sunday by my God parents who were involved at the church. I was baptized my 1st year on the planet till Confirmation and I was told every Sunday that I was unworthy of God's love and would go to hell for my skin color and my mother's national and racial background.
That was what church was to me, at the core of the teachings. My parents didn't understand why my brother begged not to attend the church until before my confirmation. 

I read a comic book version of the bible repeatedly. It was from my Catholic US grandmom on my dad's side. I learned the Lord's prayer and said it nightly before sleep. But that was the only prayer I said, and it worked both at Lutheran church and Catholic Church when my parents attended with my dad's family/ relatives. We weren't really part of my dad's family. I was never "Charlie's daughter". We were "you people" "you think you're people", "your one of those... J-word". Noone really spoke to me like I belonged with them or my father. 

And my prayers weren't good enough for anyone either. Even when I was asked, I would pass because of the toxic negativity I was pummeled with afterwards. 

So, to this day, on 2022 things haven't changed. Nothing is good enough for the prayer groups. My words, are negative to them and I'm quickly urged to stop speaking. Yet they can say words like Alcoholic, drug addiction, cancer, pedophile, disease, ailments and are considered positive people. When I say SRA, I am immediately shushed by the white privledged. After all, haven't I learned my place in America? Shush you mixed race Asian-- haven't you heard our president ok'd us to abuse you with Anti-Asian hate speech and crimes?

So, I say my prayers for all that/who I love.
And keep things short and simple, since nothing is good enough for the haters.
I found a couple prayers I wrote at the pinnacle of my desperation in life;- being passed over for marriage and family life  at the end of my child bearing years.
That's what the USA is. 
For me it's the converse of the old western  on today -- where the white woman declines life with Apaches as an "Apache whore". I really dislike being a USA whore. And that's basically what life is with these Americans. 
Nothing I am is "good enough" for them and they punished those who helped me.