Tuesday, April 12, 2022

Healing from Trauma

Meditation helped me alot. Changing gears from working 80hr weeks and living near poverty and working for the environment and animals definitely was an ark for my soul. It was an outlet to do my best to make positive change in the world. 
But some things happened inmy life that made me reflect on my childhood and negative life experiences, and slow down to 1 main job and nothing pressing for activism. And then nearly everything came to a screechinf halt to make my soul reach deep into my willpower reserves and test my dedication to being vegan in ways I never dreamed were imaginable, short of living on the dust on the surface of Mars for sustainance.

Healing, I found, is only possible with quiet time in meditation. Remembering positive things of people and places where it seemed so cold and cruel. And I asked for it, I asked the universe to heal me from the suffering I endured. It appeared in a strange format that I accepted. And was brutal on my "slightly healed soul". I plummeted into every bad memory I could fathom to document, for myself, things that happened. And said or wrote what my soul needed to express that had remained in the silence of bad memories. Some words I wrote, thought, and said felt like I was hitting an invisible shield that protected the villains in my life story. And every sentence, tweet, and journal entry was a nerve wracking adventure. Since I was so uncertain how much retaliation would redirect the genuine freedom I felt. 

The rumors were that most adult survivors of childhood abuse by USA intell are on a kill list. We are to be "suicided" by state actors with their community supporters:- suicided basically is a form of manslaughter that involves conspiracy and possible murder of the victim. In other words, a coverup of an individual forced to "suicide."

There were no promises of life after healing. There still aren't. Being "blacklisted" for speaking out and writing difficult torture complaints alone didn't create new functional friendships in anything other than a new transhuman folklore of how we think nano forensics should go after many attempts and fails at describing absolutely unusual circumstances. 

And still, handling triggers of past trauma of real community abuse and human rights violations is a daily chore. Only meditation time seems to help when the external chatter from unwanted TV or media at the gym or from a traumatic TV show is turned off. 

I've learned it's one thing to see a movie knowing the synopsis ahead of time a few times a week. But it's another thing to have relatives and housemates randomly change channels on a TV, or to peel through social media fees and get triggered

I miss the quiet time I had. Truly quiet by today's standards. And I miss the structure my life had from the absence of TV and daily news. So my meditation from those years was elevated, and in appropriate temples and spiritual dojos . And I can say without that silent practice for several years away from mainland USA. I would have perished in the pandemic 2020-2021.
The USA mainland is mentally toxic and aggressive. And somehow, that needs to change.