Tuesday, February 01, 2022

Photo in my Mind; Journal thoughts

My own song composition was recorded on an old Edirol R-09 handheld recorder sitting on a table about 8 feet away. Yeah, I knew how to record classical piano students decades ago for auditions- yet can't do the same for myself today. (unedited- low quality) and 1st time recording after writing, singing, and playing a vocal song. It's strange to look back and note how it was never part of my formal music training through many years of private lessons with world-class performers and teachers and an undergraduate degree from a notable music college. The last time I gave a solo classical type singing performance was in the 90s for a choral teaching class. That is outside of the hypercompetitive karaoke bars where I once worked and sang Clocks once in a long while.
There aren't too many if any opportunities for this hapa, nisei in the USA ... and sadly- I view the USA music education & performing world as a big CIA Deepstate operation.

 I eeked through the singing AND playing with a little more comfort-- though it's still cringy jumping up to the G5 range back to B3. It was meant for group singing;- IOW a chorus I don't have. 
I'm ok with it because this blog is about as far as it will probably go. I know I don't have vocal superstar abilities- I simply wanted a handful of lessons from a teacher and had to wait till I was attending an international trade summit in my 30s to 'improve my English as a well-tanned hapa' who was attacked frequently by European white supremacists. I took myself out the game, finally. After all those who coached me to stay in the game. It means there's nothing left for me here in the USA. No home, no kids, no family after my parents pass, no one and nothing. Probably not even my surfboard. 

 I am again without any support to make a better recording or have rehearsal space where I can rehearse safely and without interruption. A lot, if not too many people have taken the "fun" out of the music-sharing for me.  I think it's ridiculous how most Americans are with their Anti-Asian and Anti-Japanese hatreds. And, looking down on me always for being the mixed-race daughter of a Japanese immigrant. That is, while I know full well my Japanese relatives own a dedicated Rock Studio in Tokyo. The USA has been a nightmare for me. They ripped apart my family here. And if you've read this blog;- who would;- You'd know that hits on business families have been ongoing for decades with the USA as the USA targeted foreign succession. This goes back in my life;- to the 80s when I was in elementary school.  But, I got this far with what little I have in the USA. And, I do mean little. These people take everything, including life. But, that story is in a growing international affidavit I'm putting together. It's my side of the story, not the DoD's justified Surveillance procedures of slandering and defaming people while running surveillance scams with numerous gang stalkers to affect foreign trade (see DoD 5240.1R 1982).  

The handful of lessons I had amounted to 10 years of intermittent car warmups, concealed vocal exercises, and speaking on the pitch for most things. This composition, is probably the only completed song I have. In 2020-2021, I was severely traumatized by Anti-Asian attacks and death threats;- so despite writing this in 2021- It was like I was learning to speak again after being hit so hard with extreme hate and violence. My soul was in a deep recess of my heart and I mentally shut down. Though I still did Einstillen daily, when I saw Bruno's photo I could only recall photos of the Holocaust. Yet I pulled through writing this song, and struggled to pick myself up to rehearse it. Never before had I such an intense and lengthy "Regelungen"as it is called. 

My last studio in Hawaii;- I  practically gave away my recording equipment-- an unused ribbon mic, a couple lightly used condensers, mixing board etc. and as usual- don't have enough support here in Pennsylvania my home state. It's still vehemently racist and anti-Asian here. They are incapable of handling the Hapa mindset or shall i say heart. In every way I lack support to replace it or even replace my old computer at this time and support myself.  I've come to appreciate Hawaii deep in my heart for supporting me and making sure I had what I needed, included me in good-hearted friendship, and watched out for my safety. 

The stark contrast is the Mainland USA where I was raised, and how it worsened in the 10 years I was away. Every day I pray, say Buddhist mantra, and do Einstillen;- I am grateful to be in the good health that I'm in. Yet I yearn for better in every aspect of life.