Wednesday, February 16, 2022

music in Amerixa

Another day in reflection, and hearing the harsh words of how unsuccessful my life is from my Silent generation Japanese immigrant mother. In Bucks County, and in my childhood I was in love with the beautiful sounds of the music I heard only on recordings. Isolated from the cities in rural Pennsylvania - I also thought that music was a fun happy thing to enjoy with others. But that perception I had was clobbered with competitive stage mother's at the local level.

It was a big waste of time. No matter how well I played beyond childhood years;- the "white supremacists" of every European nation descent ridiculed me for any effort I put into participating when asked. So I thought it was asking. In truth, they were ruthless white supremacist demands that I prove myself. All while their less talented pianists gleaned melody lines of pieces that they had never heard. And to put it in their own repertoire and mock me over a solitary half note with a fermata that the instrumentalist ignored.

In California, I imagine I might have had friends and fun with music and a career on the side to support me. But not here on the East Coast where Italian-Americans threatened me for playing Broadway and American songs. Threatened my life. Seriously repugnant, minus a couple "safer" and supportive people who allowed me the grace of practicing out my anxiety due to the racist stigma from Boomers and silent Generation whites. People who did not support me in the community at all, and who ran me into poverty with their relentless miserable and toxic gab.

Today, it's a big wound that will never heal. 
They destroyed everything in my life. Literally with "community abuse". Out here music people are the most unfun people who I've ever met. And nearly always with a condescending tone in their voices. And also, who don't support me in any positive manner. I decided, they are no longer worth my time in any capacity. 
The fun I had teaching piano and sharing is compounded by the expense of lessons. An expense I had to pay with my own teaching studio as a child. Some things don't work.
Personalities clash.