Tough to get rest tonight. I turned down a few book writing opportunities to get more perspective. And then I got to the point where I decided that maybe Noone should hear how toxic people have been to me in my life on the East Coast. A d on the flip side, verify to my assailants what a long list of assailants & assaults I endured so they can sit back and glean notes off my writing. This is a page I've thought about starting, and starting to draft. It doesn't make me feel good, like the rest of my testimony of persecution in the USA. Persecution, yes that is the correct word today. I hung onto my life just to write my testimony of my real experiences in the USA 1 generation after the a-bomb. There was little love in my life here, few smiles & lots of haters. I even got into an argument with a MSM (conservative liberal) friend of mine who seems to prefer the jaded & fairy tale flub and non internationally binding story that ALSO;- doesn't involve the CIA & my father actually having been former USAF intelligence.
I suppose my entire idea of healing took me on a good path. That's a path I rarely speak about over here. So many of USA people don't think I'm a good role model because of my being mixed race Japanese female. It's reality, believe me In the past I payed for a life coach to help me through the hateful comments they make year round.
It's just that the past 11mos. Back on East Coast mainland has torn open all the wounds and trauma of everyone who worked so hard to destroy my family.
I've had to take a really hard look, objectively, after several people showed me the framework of my reality.
I know my relatives overseas in Japan might not have time to ever hear or read my message. For the. To know that the majority of my life was off course from the knowledge I had of my parents relationship and the toxic Bucks County community where I was raised.
Noone ever lets me speak aBout it over here. All the Americans tell me I'm offending them and should be gratef for the pain and agony they bestowed on my "mongrel" life as a Japanese woman. I don't know where the good people are, those who I really needed to help lift me up. Instead, I gained alot of negativity from the classical piano world and others.
Noone in their right mind would read beyond here. Especially if they think I was like them. No, not like you. I was born to a family Union of two people whose Nations and families murdered hundreds of people at Iwo Jima & Pearl Harbor.
These people hate my existence in the family and on the planet. So instead of having a great happy life, everyone around me was always violent. I'd go to visit my dad's relatives on the weekends and my great grandmom & aunt's would become venemous and my mom told me go & hide from them. She was afraid they would kill me. After all, the hospital murdered my sister in front of her. So she brought me up knowing that I wasn't safe from emminent danger in Pennsylvania for as long as I could remember. She taught me that we were only tolerated in the area because we weren't black. However I wasnt tolerated at school. Kids made fun of me in the bus line I. Kindergarten because of my dark brown summer tan, or because of my brown eyes. They hammered me with every racial slur and Taunt when I was 4-5years old. They said their parents said I was all of these things. And, it was comepletely dreadful. Noone ever apologized to me.
The teachers only gave their approval of my persecution. And, it evolved into them watching 5girls regularly gang up on me to grab my hair and swing me around while kicking me and beating me at recess. They were the class heros at Richland Elementary back then in 1980-1986. So remember these kids grew up to be adults with kids now. They are no better than they used to be.
So, returning here Is painful. I still don't have much of any sense of being included in the community in a positive way. Not only socially, but financially. The men here don't have anyone to answer to except the women. Knowing how hateful the women are just lends itself to not having many friendships. What started on the playground and in the bus lineup, has become an adulthood living nightmare. Socializing is strained because the friends I do have can't explain my presence to anyone white who is racist. So, I'm excluded from big chunks of social time in the adult world here. Basically persecuted and shamed by the community & even moreso since 9-11.
It's ok if I am present for a few things in public. This is tough to explain to everyone reading. I had a few people who care about my safety and even they got real about telling me they can't trust people around them NOT to hurt me.
So, going to big concerts, festivals, social outings just has never been safe. I have to mention that I'm A repeat abductee & rape victim. So, obviously my chances of having a relationship or marriage have vanished.
I write this because Japan really doesn't know much of USA besides the happy side of the USA West Coast & Hawaii. There are few of us on the East Coast, and I learned most Japanese over here have green cards. They aren't hafu like me and use that stupid phrase "all Asian" as if nationality has to do with genetics since 1980's. Even in Hawaii, it seems like many people don't read the newer nationality laws of Japan or other places. They speak as if it's still the 60's & 70's.
I know they want to blindsided the outsiders who visit.