One of the issues that I had being programmed, well several issues. The main one was that I had to endure daily ritual abuse of some sort. It included being put into speech therapy and forced to stop being bi-lingual in Japanese ( despite being born a Japanese national). They don't torture people this way even at Guantanamo. It was complete community abuse directed at me 24/7. My father, my school teachers, other students especially were given instructions by their parents to physically hurt me during school... This made me suicidal by age 10. It was a crux.
It was the crux of me justifying staying alive because my brother, he was at least very happy most of the time and knew I would take blame for him. The other thing I came to decide was that;- if I used my time how I wanted or whether I did what they said, I would still be tortured. and, like other intelligent kids being abused elsewhere (I learned later in life) looking for a breathing room, just a small space to survive, I began to fail at things. The blatant failures took out the expectations. The normally high performance only encouraged them to dish out more torture to push me a step beyond and above that top end. It was "defiance disorder" in a sense in the Program. I let them win. They tortured me every day regardless of my consistant "good" behaviors. In order to live (quite literally stay alive) I had to stop trying to compete with everyone. I learned they all sucked. They were all quite rotten. Not one of them had an ounce of compassion. That the friends were "fake" and they played the side to push me to an abusive trap with other schoolmates. This was the lesson my brother learned and pages for dearly as the abuse stacked up. We had no relatives who loved us in the USA. Just our parents. I did chores for my dad's relatives and was rewarded with $5-$30 (even for birthdays) or a Klondike bar. I never had a big Christmas. We spent most of our holidays with our neighbors instead of our relatives.