I am quite weary for my unusual life punishment of :: death by bludgeoning by 100,000+ white mindsets who never experienced Asia.
And, I am quite upset with people treating me ill based on their bubble worlds;;--bubble worlds where they construct their own notion of who I am, who my family is; what sick role they want to play opposite me...without regard to my actual family. It is in essence racism.
I am also of Japanese descent. I also was thinking about my brother's condition before he died; He had been working at an irradiation plant because it was what the Temporary agency assigned to him; people at his workplace 1 mo. before his death were calling him Ai Qaida due to hair growth on his face (commonly referred to as a beard); My brother's beard hid some of the skin that was falling off of his face from his work and exposure to chemicals and radioactive elements. My brother also had skin falling off of his hands. As a young person; my brother had severe allergies to huindreds of substances;..but white people here treated him poorly and said he was a drug addict. I have no knowledge; firsthand or otherwise of any of his drug use ...so, I cannot say that those words are/were true; though my brother said people forced him to "test" chemicals...as his work at Deon Beverages was coerced by my father and the community.
I personally am outraged with the entire community here. I am of Half Japanese descent and 1st generation here in this country. I also cannot afford to pay anymore caucasoid people all the money I have so that I am accepted as "educated" according to them; they are simply thugs. Additionally; I am humiliated with trying to bring cultural understanding to people who ultimately find racism and segregation an easy path; because it has eliminated options for my survival.
I live with someone now because I have no options; it is humiliating. And, i have no way to pay my own debts for my education and survival expenses which exceeded $10,000/ year in Gasoline ($3000), Additional room out of state ($3000) and therapy ($320+/ month). I cannot afford to live; I have little business left; and I have pursued some of a M.S.M. degree that has no advantage. I have not been able to find suitable investors; despite offers from Builder/developers, The original Buisness entrepreneur who started PeopleSoft, or Other Capital Entrepreneurs who have shown me no respect. My family values of my Mother's family are engrained in me; and, Noone I have met matches their standards.
Unless a suitable investor is present; I cannot justify trying to work in conditions like my brother did ( I am highly allergic to many buildings here in the States; and cannot tolerate chemicals in the air--much like any K-Mart or Wal-mart for any period over 20 min. I experience respiratory irritation and itchy red eyes from the environment.
The people here choose to be belligerent; And; the issue of my "mixed-race" is too complicated for them to comprehend. I have little funds to leave the area and then no money to afford a safe and respectable-of-my person place to live. Men make it very clear if i don't comply with their sexual advances; that I have no place to stay;...though I have found some support from an ex where he does leave me alone (I despise the fighting).
These are my reasons for not wanting to continue; And, my family in Japan has their ties with the Govt. and with the addition of my Aunt and Uncle Takenaka...of yes...the family lineage (and ex Ceo of the Takenaka Corporation) who built the Imperial Palace and the Tokyo Tower, as well as skyscrapers in California and other places in Asia.
I hope that you all understand how I feel; in some part.
My political U.S. activist training has additionally contributed to much additional abuse from my Father's family and local government here in Bucks County.
At the onset of my life; I was instructed that i exist here for other's to learn from; and to be an example of Japanese culture to the extent that I could (as a child). As an adult I learned about the U.S. political system and learned and participated in changing some laws. Today; I am being chastized for my entire being.
I have grown to hate and despise many of the people who I encounter here in Pennsylvania. And, I realize that they may try to take my life; as they have been attempting over the past 3 years;; actively.
my spirit is tired of this.
I want you to know that I did try my best; and I'm not going to pay to learn Buddhism from another caucasian because I'm unacceptable to them.